I Never Knew How Much My Voice Mattered Until COVID Stole It
I realized I didn’t just lose my voice. I lost my ability to advocate.
*This essay was originally published on Medium.com by Ellemeno on March 16, 2024.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve talked too much — and too loudly.
I used to get into trouble at school for talking. At work, same thing. Even at home, I often yell and hurt people’s ears, albeit not on purpose. I literally can’t hear my volume.
But a few weeks ago, I stopped talking for the first time in my 41 years of life and went silent for three weeks.
Because … COVID.
The virus stole my voice after shoving what felt like shards of glass down my throat.
This was my first time getting COVID. Yes, I made it until 2024 before getting infected, one of the people who the media dubbed “Novids.” I wound up with a moderate case. It took antivirals and steroids and antibiotics to get me well again, but I never needed hospitalization — although I got close.
I was sick for nearly three days before I lost my voice. My last two conversations were over the phone with my neighbor, who was concerned, and my boyfriend to say good night. The next morning, I woke up and couldn’t speak.
I didn’t worry at first, because how many times have humans lost their voices during a cold or flu? I settled into the silence and used text messages to communicate.
My fever soon spiked to 102.7 after taking Tylenol, and I realized I needed to call the pharmacist. Is it safe to take ibuprofen two hours after Tylenol? I needed to know, and fast, but I had no voice.
Home alone due to COVID isolation, I relied on my boyfriend to call in for me while I sat in silence on three-way. I texted him the answers to medical questions and listened as he verbalized my information to medical professionals.
The next day, I struggled to breathe and emailed my doctor because I couldn’t call. She prescribed emergency steroids, but the pharmacy was taking forever to fulfill them. I relied on my dad for help.
It was then I realized I didn’t just lose my voice. I lost my ability to advocate for myself.
On Dec. 19, 2023 …
… the journal Pediatrics published the first case of vocal cord paralysis due to COVID. The victim was a 15-year-old female, a girl who was healthy before her COVID infection. COVID forced her to become permanently mute.
Apparently, voice loss from COVID is more common than many have realized. An analysis of five electronic databases published online in June 2023 via the National Library of Medicine found that 25 percent of their COVID-19 patients had COVID-related voice issues. Of those patients, 70 percent continued having long-term voice problems after COVID resided. Most of them were female.
I stumbled upon these studies two weeks after losing my own voice from COVID. I was searching for information on COVID-related voice loss after my doctor told me she wasn’t sure when my voice might return, or if it’d return fully.
I began fearing I might have lost my voice permanently.
I thought of all the conversations I’d had with my boyfriend over the years about politics and science and philosophy and self-realization from personal growth. I thought of the compliments my coworkers gave me on my presentation skills. You’re an amazing speaker, Shari!
I thought of my silly conversations with my cats and the peek-a-boo “See You!” game I play with Teddi Bear, and all the times my best friend mulled over parenting and relationships and college memories with me during lunch.
I’d never have any of those things again. Phone conversations. Dinner dates. Presentations. Funny banter. Laughing. My life would become a silent hell.
My boyfriend joked that it took COVID to finally shut me up, but we both knew the humor had an unnerving undertone. Yes, I could still write, but that’s only half the way I express myself.
I organized with Women’s March to fight abortion bans in my home state of Arizona. I called my senators to demand they protect the Affordable Care Act when it was under threat. I helped my sister as a young adult stand up to an older woman who tried to steal her artwork through malicious manipulation.
I. Am. Loud.
And I couldn’t believe, of all the things life decided to take from me, it chose to steal my voice.
During my weeks of silence …
… I began to understand what the disabled community lives through daily. I especially thought about those who are deaf.
During the pandemic years, I recalled a time when I went to Target wearing a mask. Upon checkout, I had to communicate with the cashier, who was deaf. She wrote a note that she normally reads lips, but because of my mask, she didn’t know what I was saying.
I wished desperately that I knew sign language at that moment. I couldn’t even thank her when everything was said and done.
Now, I was contemplating learning sign language again, only for a different reason. If I couldn’t speak, then perhaps learning to sign was my best chance at operating in the world.
But then, my family and boyfriend would have to learn sign language also. So would my friends. Or would I need new friends, people in the deaf community with whom I could communicate? Should I consider switching jobs, too? What if I couldn’t work in communications anymore?
I felt cut off from the world, relegated to text messages as my only connection. I relied on friends and family to help me navigate simple tasks like calling to make a doctor’s appointment. I never realized how much I needed my voice.
After three weeks, I woke up one morning …
… and was able to mumble at a low octave.
By the evening, I was back to whispering, but the next morning, things got slightly better. After another few days, I called my boyfriend and parents for the first time. I’d never heard delight in their voices like I did that day.
I still couldn’t talk without coughing, and I grew exhausted after five minutes of using my voice, but it had returned. When I finally played the “See-You!” game with Teddi Bear, and she meowed in response, I broke down crying.
I’m now about five weeks past the onset of COVID symptoms, and I’m able to speak with ease. My voice is still healing, but it increases in range daily.
I can’t help but think of the 15-year-old girl whose voice box was paralyzed by COVID, or the many patients who never fully recovered their voices. I hope the medical world takes their condition seriously and pushes for a cure — and fast. One day, the next victim could be one of them.
I know I was lucky, and I’ll never take the power of my voice for granted again.
I have some exciting news!
I’m working on a new project that will be releasing soon. I’ll announce more in the near future, but yes, it does involve a book of sorts. This new project is for all the writers or small business owners out there. :) So if you follow me, and you love writing, or you own a small business and want to incorporate writing into it, this new project is for you! Stay tuned and keep watching your email …
Shari, I tried to share your blog from my smartphone to a mute man this past weekend at the Bird Cage. Another man who lost his voice uses the fitness room at the adult center. The great novel The Heart is a Lonely Hunter starts by describing two deaf mutes, both of whom died sadly.
😭😭😭😭😭
Shari thank God your voice came back. These are tears of joy and just overwhelming tears. The things we take for granted. Thank God for your full recovery.
I really can't wait for what you have in store because it's seeming like an answered prayer. I haven't written in a long time. I fear I don't know how to write anymore and I have a small business... so Shari keep it coming. Thanks for sharing again ❣️